I was uber-stressed this morning. A test tomorrow, which I've got to cram like hell for...

So I took a Pramiracetam: it improves attention and memory, but that's also a problem...

Because I managed to run across an old picture of you I had forgotten to delete. And I made the sick mistake of lingering on it for just a second.

It was you, beautiful as ever, smiling into the camera as you held a Christmas gift you'd gotten for me in 07.

Before I knew what was happening, the tears were falling.

I'd forgotten the shrine I'd built for you, to you. It's a dark cave, a place where I stare at all the mistakes I made in the light of the perfect goodness you offered, where I cut myself emotionally for all the mistakes I've made.

Because that's all I've got left...this shrine of a desire to die, to just let go of it all because I've lost you. I don't want to be happy without you.

I've managed to become a recluse. Not much chance of meeting anyone else.

Dammit, I'm pathetic.

...At least I know it and Choose to be, for you. If I can't make this heart love you, at least I can kill it dead. And if I can't kill it dead, at least I can rip it to shreds over time.



I love you sweetie and I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wish I could find a way to forgive myself.

But forgiving myself would mean I was OK with being without you, and I haven't been able to make that true, no matter how hard I try.

No, I'd rather die.