sonnet to an unlost eden

unlost because so long as I condemn,
punish me through pain
through nursing
an annihilative thrill and hope
for my mistakes

so many

than maybe some tiny bit of
the love i had for you
might remain


I
it hurts and no one cares.

i know that now.

I don't think I even care anymore.

I love the idea of leaving. "To write is to take one's leave."

To write on the sky in blood shards scraps and sheathes unsheathed
to lose fuck it why try
i just want to

because she's gone
all she was

and all that could have been

this is worthless
i am worthless
you are worthless
i just want to fucking make it fit
but i can't

i'm condemned to a uselessly hopeless tragedy
because i don't want to lose my pain

"I didn't forget the pain. A pain that every surviving" hope now shares.


I pray that every day in every way
more and more and more
that my soul will ever more darken
at the loss that I nurse
the wound I reopen daily because
I miss you so much


I don't want anyone else
I don't want to want anyone else
I want to hurt
to suffer like you did
to miss you ever more
to hate myself for losing you

I want to die daily
to pick up this cross and suffer
i want to hurt


because it's all i have left of you.